- The Bitcoin halving is a monumental celebration observed the world over
- Each country has its own way of marking the event
- We run through the most entertaining and spectacular events taking place this time round
The Bitcoin halving is a global event dating back hundreds of years, with the day itself filled with time-honored traditions and celebrations worldwide. From the wearing of ornate halving-themed jewelry to ritual sacrifice on a grand scale, each country will be celebrating the halving in its own unique way. The prior halving in 2020 was made an almost totally virtual affair due to COVID, but with no one giving a fuck about that now, let’s sample what to expect around the world as the block explorers count up to block 840,000.
North America
Bitcoin halving day is a day that traditionally sees Americans and Canadians put their differences aside and join each other on the border to sing, dance, and exchange halving-themed gifts. Those unable to attend parties at the border will nevertheless be able to send gifts to their international neighbors using the catapults placed in every elementary school within 50 miles of the border.
The always popular inter-presidential cross-dressing and tequila dinner at the White House will take place once again, having been postponed in 2020 due to COVID and rats. This year’s dinner will feature a live performance from Sister Sledge.
UK
British halving celebrations will once again see the traditional ransacking of the Prime Minister’s country home, Chequers, which has been torn down and rebuilt every four years as far back as the 1528 Bitcoin halving. COVID restrictions meant this couldn’t be done in 2020, meaning the British public has eight years’ worth of frustration to get rid of.
Other traditions are back on the menu, such as Big Ben giving us a rendition of all 840,000 blocks one by one. However, as has been noted by more than one national newspaper, with one ‘bong’ of the bell representing each block and three seconds between each block, the entire thing will take almost a month from the genesis block to block 820,000. Visitors should therefore pack a portable toilet and some large books.
China
This halving promises to be a more muted affair, given that China is doing all it can to pretend that Bitcoin doesn’t exist. Some traditions are too strong to be suppressed, however, meaning that block 840,000 will see the much-celebrated event in which prisoners and prison wardens swap roles for the day.
Officially known as ‘Swap Day’ to the general population, this joyous occasion is commonly referred to as ‘The Purge’ by prisoners.
Australia
With Australia being the birthplace of Bitcoin’s acknowledged creator, Craig Wright, Australians are naturally keen to celebrate the 2020 halving as volubly as possible. In honor of Wright’s achievements, children up and down the country will engage in a mass plagiarism of their favorite book heading to Sydney for its famous ‘Calvin Parade’. This notorious event sees a Calvin Ayre lookalike, fronted by scantily clad teenage dancers, throwing fistfuls of money to the collection of law firms that have been selected in a Hunger Games-style reaping to represent Craig Wright’s legal activity for the next four years.
This year’s parade will be extra special as Australia celebrates Wright’s momentous win against COPA. A giant COPA effigy will be erected at the end of the route, with selected mental patients from Sydney’s asylums allowed to replicate Wright’s stunning victory in physical form over the evil cabal by throwing live crustaceans at the effigy before they are collected up and turned into a pie, which is then fed to the homeless.
North Korea
North Korean border guards famously turn a blind eye to migration on the day of the halving, allowing anyone who wants to enjoy the halving in traditional North Korean fashion to come along and do so.
And what a time it will be. North Korea’s halving celebrations are famous around the world, with staple events such as nationwide starvation, state-sponsored cybercrime, and brutal penal servitude among the particular favorites. As always, yesterday saw the draw for the destination of the Bitcoin Halving Ballistic Missile, with South Korea once again picked at random as the destination.
The honor of making this year’s draw, which carries with it a prize of $500,000 and the chance to lead the country until the next halving, has been awarded to a certain Kim Jong Un of Pyongyang. This represents the third time in a row that Mr Un has been afforded such a coveted honor.
Enjoy the Halving, Wherever You Are
We hope you enjoyed this round-up of Bitcoin halving celebrations across the world. Wherever you are when Bitcoin splits in two and falls into the ocean, we hope you enjoy it and observe it from a safe distance wearing your government-approved safety equipment.
